But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
- Isaiah 40:31
I keep this verse taped up inside my wardrobe. I have other verses in different places around the house, but those are stories for another time. Every morning as I get dressed, this is my reminder of Him in whom my hope rests. Most days do not start off badly for me, but there are some mornings where I desperately need that reminder of the strength that comes from God.
Everyone has their struggles, and one of the big ones in my life has been infertility. I've been married 10 years, and for at least 8 of those, I have so deeply longed to be a mother. It's not simply that most of my friends both online and off have children of their own. I've always loved working with children and being around children. For years I thought of how much I wanted children and how I hoped they would be raised. I had always envisioned myself as a mother someday and dealing with the idea that it just isn't happening short of a miracle has been quite difficult to me.
It's not a struggle I talk about often. What can I say? I come from a family of stoic and dignified Virginians who would never dream of airing their innermost sorrows in public. And yet, if I am to be real and authentic with my sisters in Christ, I can't pretend that I don't struggle with this issue or that that aren't days when longing just becomes too painful and I can't bear the thought of hope.
And yet, even on the worst days, those sorts of days when I feel horrible sadness and can't even come up with the words in my cries to God, I know He is there. His strength is what carries me through even though sometimes the way is very hard indeed. And I know He has a purpose for me. I may not know what it is entirely, and I'm certain I stumble along the way, but I know He is there. And I depend upon His strength and His saving grace as I walk this often trying road. I do not know where it is taking me, but I know who has me in His grip.
"my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning."
- Psalm 130:6