Monday, March 4, 2013

Emerging from the Dark

 I know I've been offline for a bit.  I suppose it's fair to say that I had one of those times of turning inward, where I just did not have the words to blog.  I needed simply to rest, to be and to seek God's will in ways that I just couldn't while blogging.

It's been quite a summer/fall/winter here. I had what I thought was a much worse than usual allergy season and then I started feeling just as sick as could be. I could barely drag myself out of bed in the mornings(and I'm usually a very high energy person!), drifted in a fog through the day, and kept getting dizzy and/or sick to my stomach.

Finally I broke down and went to the doctor. And after having been told for 8 years that I would not have children of my own, the incredible had happened.  I was pregnant - and immediately my mind was filled with visions of miracles.  I wasn't sure when I wanted to go public about it, but caution told me to at least get through that first trimester - and then, when I was not quite 12 weeks along, I miscarried.

I still don't even know enough words to really describe all that dark time. I couldn't make sense of why any of this would happen. Why would I by some miracle conceive and then lose this so-wanted child? Was it my fault somehow that this happened? Was there some lesson God was trying to teach me that I just couldn't understand?  At first there really wasn't much I could understand, though I developed an all new appreciation for those portions of Psalms wherein the psalmist cries out to God from the most anguished corners of the heart. I could cry those words aloud, too, because they had taken on new meaning, just as the words of comfort that so often accompany these passages went deeper into my heart than ever before as well.

I sat down to write so many times, but the will to craft words just would not come to me. I needed comfort and I needed God, even though much of the time I could only sit in His presence weeping. I know that I had friends praying for me even if I wasn't the most communicative, and to this day, I treasure that because I know I needed(and still need) their love and prayers.  There's nothing that really prepares one for this rollercoaster of hope and disappointment and grief, and it's the sort of agony I couldn't wish on anyone.

And I developed an all-new appreciation for my husband. He's not the most emotionally demonstrative person, but he was the one who prayed with me and for me, and grieved with me over this child of ours that we only got to see in a single ultrasound. I've never felt so close to him as when we walked through those dark days of mourning for a dream and a life that we'd only just begun rejoicing for.

Finally, I've reached a point where I feel like I'm really back and fully present in my life again. I still have some dark, sad days but I have my words and music again.  I'm homemaking and working from home once more, and with renewed purpose that makes me feel more focused than before. I don't even pretend to know all the whys of what happened and I often think I won't truly understand it all this side of heaven.

But sometimes I think God gives me glimmers - like the one I heard this Sunday as our pastor preached from Ecclesiastes, reminding us that God has a time for everything.  He mentioned specifically that in Christian circles, we are often exhorted to do many things in service to God, but he reminded us that God has His own timing and that there will be times when we may speak and do much outwardly in service of God but there are also times when God calls us to be silent. I needed to hear that because this time of mourning and growth has been one of those times of listening and meditating. 

It has been difficult and dark, and I expect I will talk about part of it in more detail as I blog again(there's just too much that goes through my head for me to put it all in one post), but there has been good in the darkness. More importantly, there was God. I may have been offline but I was never truly alone.



21 comments:

  1. So glad you are sharing your heart here! I have a similar testimony with a little angel in heaven that we never got to meet. Makes me long for heaven even more...

    May God give you grace and courage as you put feet to your faith and move forward. Hugs

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  2. Happy to have you back friend. I love you and will continue to pray for you and for your family. <3

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    1. Thank you! It's so good to be back. I missed you!

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  3. Wow. You came to my blog...and so I came here and found the chills you had on mine. My heart aches for the loss you have suffered even as I lift you up, that He may continue to grant you peace as you move forward. As one who may not understand your pain, I do understand he depth to which our hearts can fall...and I send you a hug :)

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    1. Thank you. ((hugs)) to you, too!

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  4. It's beautiful to hear how close you felt to your husband during those dark months - what a blessing to be able to grieve together as parents.

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    1. It didn't always feel blessed at the time, but being able to grow in closeness like that truly was a blessing. Thank you for your kind words.

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  5. Let me say first, I am so so sorry that you have endured this kind of heart wrenching pain. I too suffered a miscarriage at 11 weeks back in December. I remember feeling much like this; that while I was sad and angry, I felt so much closer to the Lord during that time. And while my loss was devastating, I wouldn't give it up for the feeling of crawling into my Father's God lap and letting him comfort me during that awful time.

    http://fillupyourmug.blogspot.com/2012/12/my-little-one-has-gone-to-heaven.html

    Nothing but love and comfort to you during this time as you heal. xoxox Sarah

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  6. Oh I wish I could hug you proper and just have a good healing cry. You're right. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.... It's so much harder to go through than one thinks.

    Praying for you, Amy. May you find hope on the horizon again. And praying God uses this for His glory in a way only He could. {HUGS}

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    1. Thank you, Nikki! So good to see you online again, and thank you for the comforting words. It's been a long haul, but not travelling it alone makes it a little easier.

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  7. {tears} My heart is broken over your pain. I won't begin to say I understand your grief. Everyone's pain is different. I will take your name to the Father.

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    1. Thank you for your prayers - they are much appreciated!

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  8. Oh Amy. Tears. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

    The way you write of Hope amidst the loss? Well, it ministers to me heart and soul. I'm praying for you, dear one. Wholeheartedly. xo

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    1. Thank you Kristen, that means a lot!

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  9. I have missed you and so sad to hear again about all that you have been through. So blessed to see that the Son still shines bright through the darkness.

    You, my friend, are a true blessing!

    I will continue to pray for you and your husband!

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    1. Thank you. And I've missed you, too!

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  10. I am so sorry for your loss Amy. I second what Kristen wrote. The way you write of hope in the midst of your pain, grieving and loss ministers to me. My prayer is that God continues to heal and comfort you during this sad time. Thank you for your kind comment on my blog.

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    1. Thank you, Jen. I know it sounds a little cliched, but the prayers of others really have been a comfort since I've been going through this.

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  11. Oh Amy, I'm so so sorry about the loss of your sweet baby. We lost one in November of 2007 and though God has somewhat healed our hearts and I'm not so consumed with it every day like I was in the beginning, I know my heart will never truly be restored until I see that sweet baby in Heaven. I understand the gamut of emotions and the time it takes to work through this all. If you ever want to talk (write!) or anything, please feel free to email me. Thanks for linking up at my Homemaking Linkup. I've just posted the new one for this week and would love to have you join!

    Blessings,
    Mrs. Sarah Coller

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  12. I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for you. I still grieve over my lost babies and all the monthly disappointments. But it is during those times that I know the Lord is close to me.

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  13. Praying for you today! Losing a baby is very difficult. I miscarried our baby in September of 2011.

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